Awwww Curses!!

Curses!  Not like the Snidely Whiplash, "Curses! Foiled again!"  But, real life mother fucking curse words.  Cussing.  Swearing.  Using foul language.  Bad words.  Bad??  Says WHO?  Not me.  I cuss like a sailor.  I grew up listening to every last swear word that was ever uttered spewed in my house like water from a fire hydrant.  And you know what?  I never swore when I was a kid - because I fucking KNEW BETTER.  Now, of course, I swore with my girlfriends when I was in high school, because you have to talk shit about who is a "bitch" and who is a "dickhead."  But never in front of my parents, because it was just understood, swearing was reserved for adults.  And once I became an "adult," I was allowed to swear when I talked with my parents.  Now, mind you - there is a HUGE fucking difference between swearing WITH your parents and swearing AT your parents.  I don't think twice (or even once, really) about dropping the F-bomb in my parents' presence.  How you hear me speak in real life or on this blog is exactly how I speak with my parents.  They don't care because they swear just as much as I do. 

Here is a sample conversation if I drop by their crib after work and something dumb happened that day:

Me:  You will never fucking believe what happened today!  That dickhead went and lied about that project being done.  I had to pick up the fucking slack and help get it finished because of the suspense date.
My mom:  What the fuck is his problem?
Me:  I have NO fucking idea.
My dad:  Man, that's some fucking bullshit.
Me:  I hate that fucker!

You see how this is a "back and forth" or "give and take" kind of fucking conversation, right?  I'd never dream of looking at either of my parents and just out right saying, "Fuck you."  Oh HELL NO!  All hell would break loose because I would have violated "swearing etiquette."  Yes, that's right:  Swearing Etiquette.  Swearing etiquette basically dictates that you may use any cuss word on the planet in the context of having a conversation WITH someone - you can tell stories, talk about people, or just use swear words for added "effect." 

Once you start directing your cuss words AT the other person, shit takes a wayyyyyy different turn.  "Fuck you, you asshole.  You're a son of a bitch and you're full of shit."  That right there?  That is off limits, unless you are specifically intending to cuss that person out.  In that case, there are no rules, you hit below the belt, and basically let your evil fly like the wind.  I'm sure it's no surprise to anyone that I have engaged in this type of cuss-fest.  I usually win in a contest like this.  Yes, my ability to turn words into daggers via cursing is unparalleled.  (Not something I'm proud of, just a statement of fact.)  As a matter of fact, I just had one of these kinds of conversations last week.  Those are "last resort" kinds of conversations.  Maybe I'll tell you that story later.

Now, the reason I am writing this post about cussing today is because a certain 9-year old hooligan who lived inside of my body for 9 months told me today (after I yelled, "Jackass!" to the car in front of me who was committing some ridiculous driving infraction) that I needed to watch my mouth.  Of course, you know damned well, I looked in the rear view mirror just to make sure that little dude was actually speaking to me.  I had just picked him up from his dad's and we were on our way home.  Here's how that conversation went:

Me:  What'd you just say?
Him:  You should really watch your mouth.  My dad watches his mouth.  You should try to be more like him. [*side note:  at that point I nearly swerved off of the road roaring with laughter -or- was it blinding anger that anyone in their right mind would EVER tell me that I needed to be more like the ex?]
Me:  Well, here's what I think about that:  1.  You've already heard those words.  2.  You've already heard those words out of MY mouth.  3.  You already know that you're not allowed to say any of those words until you're 18, so what's the big deal?
Him:  I guess you have a point.

*End of Conversation*

Now, here's my fucking disclaimer, lest you think I'm the worst mom on earth (which I wouldn't really care about anyway, because I know some moms who suck worse than me):  I do not just randomly drop f-bombs in front of the hooligan.  If one flies out, it's usually some kind of situation where I am either in severe pain from stubbing my toe on something or I'm extremely pissed because I just dropped a huge container of rice all over the floor.  Both of those situations would likely elicit a very loud "FUCK!!"  I also don't swear in front of OPK (other people's kids).  I get it - not everyone is a fan of cussing, and it's just not their thing.  So, I DO watch my mouth in front of OPK.  Actually, if I respect someone, and I know it's not their thing, I will curb my use of the foul language around them (but invariably, something will fly out of my mouth, because I'm me).   And bear in mind that I'm not a no-brained dimwit who doesn't care about where I choose to let loose with my "inner sailor."  I know when NOT to cuss - and that is one of the key reasons I manage to stay employed.

I have no concern whatsoever that my kid will be fine growing up hearing me cuss.  He's smart like me - he just knows better than to use swear words until he's 18.