Don't touch my shit!

As delighted as I am to get extra help in the office, and have positions that have been empty for a bajillion years finally filled - there is that period of time that it takes to "break in" a new person.  I personally believe that when you are the FNG ("fuckin' new guy" - to borrow a military term), you come in, you observe, and you do not disrupt the status quo until you are absolutely certain it's okay to do so.  The period of time that entails will vary from place to place.  That is what I like to call "FNG Etiquette."

When you violate FNG Etiquette, feathers are gonna get ruffled.  Especially MINE.  

Okay, so we have had a few new people start at the job recently.  Most of them have been quite mindful of FNG Etiquette.  One person, not so much.  Here's what happened:

This FNG decided to "rearrange" the coffee area of our front office.  The clean up part wasn't such a big deal - it needs to be done every once in a while (not that it gets completely filthy - but it can stand to get straightened up now and then). 

This isn't my mug, but it's a cute purple mug

Side story (which is completely germane to this tale):  I drink coffee out of a big purple hard plastic mug with the name of a psychiatric med on it (no free advertising here, but it's an antipsychotic medication).  I like it because it's huge, and it's been dropped about 10,027 times and is still completely intact.  I have been drinking coffee out of this cup every work day for about the last 6 1/2 years.  Every. Fucking. Day.  That is a lot of fucking days of drinking coffee.  Everyone knows it is my cup.  Everyone sees me drink coffee from it every fucking work day I am in that office.  I drink exactly two cups of coffee, with a shit ton of creamer.  That's it.  Every day.  My purple mug.  (Are y'all following the neurotic "don't-fuck-with-my-morning-coffee-routine" theme I have going on here?)

So, back to my story:  This FNG decides to clean up and rearrange the coffee area.  The FNG takes MY PURPLE COFFEE MUG and puts the coffee accoutrements in it - meaning, the extra packets of sugar and sweet and low, the plastic knives people use as stirrers, and some dumb tea bags that nobody has ever used, but which manage to stay parked in the coffee area.  IN. MY. MUG.  Like it was just some kind of fucking coffee accoutrement receptacle.  Cue the aforementioned neurotic theme I just told you about...and my head is SPINNING off its axis.  I walk into the front office, look to the left and see the coffee area - with my big purple mug sitting next to the coffee maker, filled with coffee condiments and accessories.  My eyes nearly bug out of my head.  OH HELL TO THE MOTHER FUCKING NO!  The other two staff members up front (who know full well about my attachment to my purple cup) can barely contain their giggles when they see me eyeballing my misappropriated purple mug.

I scurry over to the coffee area and quickly dump out the coffee accoutrements from my big purple mug.  FNG sees this and comments uncomfortably, "Oh, the styrofoam cup y'all had the sugars in has seen better days (nervous giggle)."  I don't even look at FNG and just say as tersely as I can, "This is my cup."  I do believe the tone of my voice and the quickness with which I dumped out the coffee accessories to reclaim my purple mug's status as a coffee receptacle clearly indicated the extreme violation of FNG Etiquette.

You should also know that I am an only child.  My shit is my shit.  I did not have to share shit when I was growing up.  I had my own room all of the time.  I didn't inherit hand-me-downs.  Yes, I was a bit spoiled, and yes, that has spilled over somewhat into my adulthood.  I can admit it.  Am I a bit of a territorial bitch when it comes to my shit?  Hell yeah, I am.  Will I share my shit in a heartbeat if I deem a person worthy?  Fuck yeah, I will.  Do FNG's get a pass because they're FNG's when it comes to touching my shit?  HELL NO, they don't!  So, the lesson here for everyone, especially if you're the FNG in a new place:  Observe FNG Etiquette.  Don't touch people's shit.  Or, at least wait until you're no longer the FNG.